It is Suicide Awareness Day! I always love when this day arrives so I can raise awareness on this touchy subject. To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) always does a campaign for this special day that is very close to my heart. Last year’s campaign was No One Else Can Play Your Part. This year it is We’ll See You Tomorrow.
For today, I decided to write I AM ENOUGH on my wrist because lately, I’ve been struggling with my self-worth. I mean I always have but it got worse in summer 2011 at a modeling camp. My self-esteem lowered drastically, my self-worth… Well, to me I wasn’t worth it. In the end, I ended up taking out on myself by self-harming. At first, I would hide it from everyone but they slowly started noticing so I didn’t care if people saw anymore. Not because I was calling attention but because I just didn’t care at all. I was numb to everything. I didn’t want to get out of bed, to get out of my house. I didn’t want to go to my senior trip, I didn’t want to talk. I was dead but alive. The thing is I thought I was alone in this. I had heard of people self-harming, having depression but I never saw myself as one of them. I didn’t understand their struggle until I became one of them. I became a self-harm; I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder without Psychosis (Thank you, Lord). You can read My Story here.
I met an online blog where you could talk about all of these feelings without being judged because it was a community for mental health. Then I joined a Facebook group in which I met many people I now consider my Internet friends but at the time, it was making me worse. Why? I was surrounding myself with people who suffered from what I was suffering. The group had people who suffered from depression, suicide, self-harm, bulimia, anorexia, multiple personality disorder, etc. (I only suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harming tendencies) It was slowly killing me inside. My mom wanted me to leave that group but I didn’t want to until I realized what was happening. So I cut off communication with everyone in that group, I started to put an effort in trying to get better. At first, I didn’t want to get better. That was the last thing I wanted. I thought “better” didn’t exist in my life. My mom wanted me to laser-erase my scars. That’s when I stood my ground and said no. My psychologist actually agreed with me. She told my mom it could led to a major relapse so my mom let it go. Even then, she bought ointments to erase the scars. Some did erase so I stopped using it. Now, I proudly show my battle scars when I wear shorts or go to the beach. I survived this. Why would I want to hide them?
Last year, my Psychiatrist discharged me and I didn’t have to take my depression medicine anymore. I was so happy when that day came. I still visit my Psychology monthly and she has helped so much. She cares for me and wants me to get better. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed. It’s not easy to deal with depression. I’m happy I beat it but there are days where it’s a struggle to live, days where I want to end my life, days where I have relapsed. (A few weeks ago I relapsed and my boyfriend almost cried. He held me until I finished crying. His behavior towards me made me want to not do it and give him my blades which was extremely hard and I almost cried when I handed the blades to him.) I choose not to end my life, though. I will live to see tomorrow. I will continue to live because no one can play my part, no one can live my story. My story isn’t over;
What kind of helped
My mom bought me two self-help books on self-harm and both had activities for everyday life that would help the person get distracted. I even have a paper with things that help on it and who should I call if I start feeling negative about myself.
There was a specific website that helped me immensely: Operation Beautiful. From them I got the idea of writing positive beauty quotes on sticky notes and sticking them on my mirror. My mirror was filled with those notes and I still have some of them.
- You’re Not Alone by Saosin
- The Answer Lies Within by Dream Theater
- The Last Night by Skillet
- Never Too Late by Three Days Grace
- Hold On by Good Charlotte
- One More by Superchick
- Warrior by Demi Lovato
- Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
- The Way She Feels by Between The Trees
- Believe In Me by Demi Lovato
Today reminded me of All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven, since it deals with Suicide. The fact that this author took great risks in publishing this powerful YA story, writing how real Suicide and Depression are, describing those feelings like I’ve never read on a YA story, just makes me love this author more. I always recommend this story because everyone should know how these feelings truly are and to not be ignorant about it, to not keep quiet. To raise your voice and speak up because there are many like you, like me, like us that need to hear they aren’t alone. You aren’t alone. Below is a quote from All the Bright Places that comes extremely close to describing how depression is:
“[…]Ugly. Disgusting. Stupid. Small. Worthless. Forgotten. It just feels like there’s no choice. Like it’s the most logical thing to do because what else is there? You think, ‘No one will even miss me. They won’t know I’m gone. The world will go on, and it won’t matter that I’m not here. Maybe it’s better if I was never here.’ It’s like that stuff is happening to someone else because all you feel is dark inside, and that darkness just kind of takes over. You don’t even really think about what might happen to the people you leave behind, because all you can think about is yourself.”
Jennifer, I applaud you because that paragraph couldn’t have worded it better. This is why I treasure this book so much. It shows what it’s truly like, not completely obviously but almost completely.
Please don’t give up. The best is yet to come, I can assure you. You can do this. You can fight this. If you self-harm, don’t be ashamed of your scars. If you suffer from depression, speak up. Tell an adult, a counselor. Remember you aren’t alone.
- I’m Back to Blogging - July 28, 2019
- Laugh Out Loud Rom-Com: Petal Plucker by Iris Morland - April 9, 2019
- Different & Refreshing YA Mystery: Killing November by Adriana Mather - March 26, 2019